Sino si Little Johnny?
Si Little Johnny ay isang fictional character na isang batang lalaki na bida sa napakaraming jokes sa internet. Madalas sa mga Little Johnny jokes na ito ay kung paano niya nauutakan ang mga mas nakakatanda sa kanya tulad ng kanyang mga magulang o ang kanyang teacher. Medyo marami ding green o naughty jokes na involved si Little Johnny.
Sa iba’t ibang panig ng mundo, iba ang pangalan ni Little Johnny. Halimbawa eh “Jaimito” sa Argentina, “Jasio” sa Poland, “Klein Fritzchen” sa Germany, atbp. Sa Philippines, hindi ako sure pero parang wala tayong version ni Little Johnny. May mga jokes din tayo na may involved na maliit na batang lalaki pero madalas eh Juan, Pedro, Totoy, Boy o Utoy ang ginagamit natin.
Anyway, ito ang ilang Little Johnny jokes na nakalap ko sa internet. Happy Monday. Enjoy.
Concert Ticket
During the concert, little Johnny sits in the front row waiting for the concert to begin.
A friend asks: “Johnny, how did you manage to get a ticket to the concert?”
Johnny replies: “I got a ticket from my sister.”
The friend asks: “And where is your sister?”
Johnny says: “Back at home, looking for her ticket.”
My Dog
Little Johnny’s teacher said, “Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister’s.”
“Did you copy hers?”, she asked.
Johnny replied, “No, teacher, it’s the same dog!”
Why are Periods so Important
Little Johnny was sitting in English class when the teacher started talking about grammar.
Johnny asked, “Why are periods so important?”
The teacher informed him and asked why he wanted to know.
He said, “When my sister told us that she missed a period, my father began yelling, and my mom passed out.”
Psychology
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!”
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”
“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!”
H2O
Little Johnny’s teacher asks, “What is the chemical formula for water?”
Little Johnny replies, “HIJKLMNO”!
The teacher, puzzled, asks, “What on Earth are you talking about?”
Little Johnny replies, “Yesterday you said it was H to O!”
Candy Bar
Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one, a man on the bench across from him said, “Son, you know eating all that candy isn’t good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, make you fat.”
Little Johnny replied, “My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.”
The man asked, “Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?”
Little Johnny answered, “No, he minded his own business!”
Can I be punished for something I haven’t done?
Little Johnny asks the teacher, “Can I be punished for something I haven’t done?”
The teacher is shocked. “Of course not, Johnny! That would be very unfair!”
Johnny is relieved. “That’s good to know,” he says, “Because I haven’t done my homework.”
No Ears
Little Johnny’s neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Little Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Little Johnny looked in the crib he said: “What a beautiful baby.”
The mother said, ‘Why, Thank you Johnny.”
Little Johnny said: “He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?”
“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision.”
“That’s great”, said Little Johnny, “because he’d be in trouble if he needed glasses!”
I Like your Thinking
One day in class the teacher brought a bag. “Now class, I’m going to reach into the bag and describe something, and you tell what I’m talking about. Okay, first: it’s round, plump and red.”
Of course, Little Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered “An apple.”
The teacher replied, “No Deborah, it’s a beet, but I like your thinking. Now for the second. It’s soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish.”
Well, Little Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy.
“Is it a peach?” Billy asks.
“No, Billy, I’m afraid it’s a potato. But I like your thinking,” the teacher replies. “Here’s another: it’s long, yellow, and fairly hard.”
By now Little Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally.
“A banana,” she says.
“No,” the teacher replies, “it’s a squash, but I like your thinking.”
Little Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. “Hey, I’ve got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I’ve got it: it’s round, hard, and it’s got a head on it.”
“Johnny!” she cries. “That’s disgusting!”
“Nope,” answers Little Johnny, “it’s a quarter, but I like your thinking!”
Nickel and Dime
Some of the older neighbourhood boys have been making fun of Little Johnny lately. Their latest trick is to offer Little Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime. Little Johnny always takes the nickel and the older boys laugh at him.
One day a neighbor sees what is going on and approaches Little Johnny and says, “Those boys are making fun of you Johnny, don’t you realize that a dime is bigger than a nickel?”
Little Johnny smiles and says, “Yes I realize that, but if I took the dime they would stop doing it and I am up 20 bucks so far.”
Use 'Definitely' in a Sentence
Teacher was going over words in class, and asked her students to use ‘definitely’ in a sentence.
Little Johnny was squirming, so he called out, “Teacher, I need to go take a shit!”
She told him to sit down. “You can’t go to the bathroom until you have used ‘definitely’ in a sentence.”
He thought about it, then said, “The sky is definitely blue.”
The teacher said, “No, the sky is not really blue. Molecules scattered in the air make it look blue.”
So he thought some more, then said, “I am definitely getting a puppy for Christmas.”
Teacher said, “You may get a kitten or gerbil for Christmas, so you can’t say you’re definitely getting a puppy.”
After a little more thought, he asked, “Do farts have lumps?”
She said, “No, they didn’t.”
So he replied, “Then I definitely shit my pants.”
I is...
Teacher: “Johnny, I want you to say a sentence that begins with the letter ‘I’.”
Little Johnny: “I is…”
Teacher interrupts: “No Johnny, always say ‘I am’.”
Little Johnny: “Ok Miss… I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
Making Faces
Little Johnny’s teacher is walking through the cafeteria at lunchtime when she sees Little Johnny making faces at another child.
She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says, “Johnny when I was a young girl, I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way.”
Little Johnny looks her over and replies, “Well, ma’am, you can’t say that you weren’t given fair warning.”
Report Card
Little Johnny’s father asked for his report card.
Johnny replied, “I don’t have it.”
“Why not?” his father asked.
“My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents.”
Water, Whiskey and Worm
A science teacher wanted to teach her 6th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so she produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms.
“Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the teacher, putting a worm first into the water.
The worm in the water wiggled about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, she put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.
“Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?” the teacher asked.
Little Johnny, who naturally sits in the back, raised his hand and wisely responded, “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”
Urinate
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden he needed to go the bathroom.
He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!”
The teacher replied, “Now Johnny that is NOT the proper word to use in the situation. The correct word you want is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly and I will allow you to go.”
Little Johnny thinks for a bit then says ” You’re an eight (urinate) but if you had bigger t*ts, you’d be a ten!”
Fascinate
The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my grandpa’s farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.”
The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not ‘fascinating’.”
Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”
The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”
Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.
She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.
Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her t*ts are so big she can only fasten eight! (fascinate)”
